All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I love you.
Bad choice
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