in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
