Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
