so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
