saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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