Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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