She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
