All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
