So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Ketchup is God's man juice
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
