Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we're making bets on your personal life
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
