i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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