I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
