the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
