The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
