I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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