i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
