My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
