I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
