We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
