I can text with my tongue
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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