I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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