Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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