Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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