Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
