I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
