i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
home. puking in laundry basket.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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