im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
