I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
