I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
