She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
