i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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