Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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