I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
