Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
