Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
