for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
