Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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