I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
