I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
