dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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