I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
