No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
