I wanna bring you to show and tell
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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