3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
