someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
