I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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