New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
no you cant smoke seaweed
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
