I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
