well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I touched a dick in church today
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
