seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
