I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
