everyone is single if you try hard enough
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
