Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
