ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
