i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
