My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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