omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
